Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Naked Man

So yesterday I read a story about this guy who walked in on his girlfriend cheating on him, let’s call him Fred. Now, I’m sure this is something some of you have thought about, what do you do, what do you say, how does one react to this? Well, this man-child-Fred (calling him a gentleman or sir would be an embarrassment and insult to anything with common sense and a penis), decided to charge at the naked man fondling his girlfriend.

This is where this story gets sad. Said naked man, proceeded to beat, and pummel Fred within an inch of his life (think about it, there you are, at your most vulnerable, i.e., pants down/off, jewels in the wind, with an enraged man coming to inflict bodily harm on you, now that’s a flight or fight response inducer). I imagined Fred, lying on the floor, a naked fornicator and his junk standing above him, the feelings of defeat, embarrassment and shame.

Man, poor dude, I felt sorry for him, then I realised he acted like an utter and complete douche-nozzle with a severe case of oneitis.

There is no point to this post.

I just wasted your time.

Is that a new haircut? It looks good on you. Love the shoes.

I hate clowns

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Rejected status updates

I’m not a racist, I’m a bigot, I hate everything and everyone equally

What’s black and has 27 breasts? The rubbish bag outside the cancer clinic

I’m a porn script writer, the pay sucks but the hours are good

I’m tired of just being wanted for my amazing body and enormous package, why can’t women like me for my personality and brain, they’re so hurtful

French me like one of your jack girl’s paint

What do you call an alligator in a vest? Investigator

Arguing with the unintellectual is like playing chess with a pigeon; no matter how good you are at chess, the pigeon is just going to knock over the pieces, crap on the board, and strut around like it’s victorious

I don’t hate fat people. I also don't hate people who cut themselves or have depression. Be that as it may, self-harm should not be encouraged. It should be fought against, healed, and prevented.

Women are like public toilets, they're all dirty except for the disabled ones

If there’s anything we've learnt from the titanic, it’s that even just a tip can ruin your virgin voyage

‘I love it when women go to school. It’s like seeing a monkey on roller skates; it means nothing to them, but it’s so adorable for us’ - Admiral General Aladeen

There are certain moments in life that one will never forget, moments that touch you on a deeper level, my moment was when I realised I’m definitely going to hell

Friday is my second favourite F word

Dubstep - the sound of robot rape

Sometimes I wish for a zombie apocalypse, just so I can shoot people in the face

Did I walk into a garden? Cause all I see is hoes

Are you an archaeologist? Cause I got a large bone for you to examine

Do black people know that the rest of us call each other ‘NIGGAAAAHHHH’ all the time when they're not around

Zombies - loving women for their brains since 1976

‘It wouldn't be a lemon party without old dick!" - richard lemon

Girls, please, advice from a normal guy, don’t try throwing flirtatious glances at us in the gym. 9/10 we're sweating in the most ungodly places and couldn't care less about you. You would have better results standing over us shouting 'squat lower faggot'

‘Religion is regarded by the common people as true, by the wise as false, and by the rulers as useful’ - Seneca the younger

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Life Lesson - Females

Being the person I am, I often found myself in the most random, and unbelievable of situations pertaining to the female gender. So I decided to share the lessons I have learned from these magnificent creatures, in hopes that you, the reader, may learn something from it, or laugh. They have been typed up as I’ve remembered them, and they’re in no particular order or preference. You could try figure out how I learned these lessons, but I would not recommend it.

If you start to view women as children who are at the mercy of their emotions at any given moment, you may begin to understand the opposite gender.

Women are taught to be selfish. It was beneficial for the survival of the human species for women to be this way back when our numbers were so few and rarely people reached adulthood. Times and conditions have changed. The mentality ingrained into women has not. We call this chivalry today. For as long as chivalry exists, equality and women acting in a responsible manner where they are held accountable for their actions cannot exist.

The biological drive in feminists is so strong they will take down civilization to pass on their genes. They want to redefine beauty into butch, overweight and otherwise ugly. They want a society of lesbians and sperm banks so they can eventually drive out beautiful girls. This is why “attractive” girls are the only one's you'll see championing men's rights. They will stop at nothing. Don’t argue with them, you will never will never win as they’re loaded with ad hominem response’s that make no sense, and will do nothing more than enrage you.

Sluts throw themselves at you because you are cool looking and hot, not because they like the esoteric part of your soul.

Listen through their words, and the true meaning comes blazing out, “I have no worth beyond my beauty”. Pity them.  Value the strange, unique, and intelligent women; they’re the ones that will fascinate you. The ones you may have written off in vanity (or in fear) in the past, explore them. Want a woman of substance. Want a woman you can talk to and treat as an equal. Artistic, creative, industrious, inquisitive, she has to have something.

She wants to look better than you, if you're lazy she can be lazy, if you're more attractive you will leave her for someone with nicer boobs and a firmer ass, she likes you for you and will say that at any weight. If your girlfriend is getting fat, it’s probably because you’re getting fat.

Don't be a white-knighting faggot who jumps through hoops of fire for her. But, it's advisable to show some dedication. Also, being the funny guy puts you in the friend zone, be yourself.

If she can't debate your argument she will personally attack you instead as being "privileged” (white, male, not incredibly fat/ugly/whatever), a chauvinist, or ego-maniacal. A complete logical fallacy, but it can be a depressingly effective tactic.

If she’s playing hard to get, she is full of shit. A decent girl doesn’t throw herself at you, but she doesn’t make you jump through burning rings of fire either.

As Tupac said, “a woman brought you into this world, therefore you have no right to disrespect one”, unless she’s a slut, then she’s asking for it.
If you take offense to anything said here, I truly do not apologize, this is my opinion, and you don’t have to continue to read.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Stupidity = Fame

For the last week my eyes and ears have been severely raped by images and stories of Kim Kardashains divorce after 72days of being married to some poor sap.


How do such stupid “calls for attention” masked as a serious crisis make it onto the news? At best there should have been a brief 30sec clip on some news channel and a two sentence story in the tabloids. “Stupid slut seeks attention, Kim Kardashian has nothing to offer to the world, trying to be like Paris Hilton, OH EMM GEEE”. Thats the Kardashian story in a nutshell.

As with some of my blogs this one has no point other than to serve as an outlet for my mini rages, you have therefore wasted 5min of your time (any longer and you must a retard, or a really slow reader).

I am fully aware that by complaining about this I too am giving Kardashian the 15min of fame she so desperately seeks, which means I’m feeding the trolls, dammit!

Excuse me while I kill myself.

Monday, September 12, 2011

Hypocrisy and paper planes

Ahhhh, a decade after 9/11 and the Americans are still going on as if it’s the biggest tragedy in their history, what a crock of shit.

Don’t get me wrong, any scenario where innocent people die because of someone’s extreme religious or political views is both a shame and disgusting. We’re in the 21st century; certain things are expected of us. Peace, harmony and empathy for our fellow humans. This is all well and good on paper so to speak, but do we really care? Kill counts for a few of our most gruesome attacks,

3000: 9/11 deaths

24000: Afghanistan war CIVILIAN deaths

70000: Nagasaki bombing

107000: Iraq war CIVILIAN deaths

150000: Hiroshima bombing

Hypocrite much America?

Ok ok, I know, who am I trying to fool here, I can’t write about serious subjects pertaining to death, war and politics, you guys don't come here to magically get a conscious, you come here to fuel your hate for everything and to find some commonality and support in you biased views. With that said, for 9/11 I worked, and threw paper jets into my Jenga set, got through 110 stories, and used the window instead of the stairs. Too soon

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Woman Logic 101

We’ve all experienced some or other repercussion from a woman’s illogical brain. Now before you go bashing me for being sexist or a chauvinistic pig, let’s look at some examples of woman logic. These are all snippets from potential conversations with females if they spoke the truth (and by truth I mean 100% no bullshit truth, not the wish-wash half-lies we’re all subjected to).

“Women should get the exact same treatment as men! Oh, except with working conditions, social norms, chivalry and pretty much everything to do with the law, we’ll take preference there thank you very much”

“Well, I’m a girl, you have to ask me out and let me embarrass you and pay for all my stuff and like, make a lot of sacrifices for me. But I’m a woman, not an object, I demand respect and I don’t want any sexist crap. I might cheat on you but that is your fault, you need to work hard to keep me happy”, and if I ever catch you cheating, even if the waitress is flirting with you I will get a divorce and take the house, kids and the money. You know I will win the case even though I’m a shitty parent and the kids love you more, but I’m a woman so I deserve this stuff. And don’t get sexist with me either or I’ll get *insert bigger /older male relative* to beat you up”

Nice huh? Here are but two examples from my own personal bin of dumb shit girls have told me, we’ll call them both “Sexist Susie”, SS for short,

SS: I’m not talking to you. you’ve got some serious making up to do, you cheated on me, IN THE DREAM I HAD LAST NIGHT”

SS: I want a man with nice abs, a nice car, he must be romantic, and must be able to take care of me

M: I like a woman who can cook

SS: OMG you’re such a sexist

Now given, these are but three examples of “woman logic”, but you get the point, and on the off chance that a female is reading this blog, you can politely raise your hand and admit that this is all true in the privacy of your office/home desk. We men are but simple creatures. We don’t need you to stroke our egos, and make a big fuss over something like this, just admit that your general woman logic is flawed and stop doing and saying these silly things.

Now you may think that I’m being bitter over a breakup or that I’m gay and hate females. Let me reassure you, neither is the case. I forgot what the point of this post was. Hmmmm . . . . . .